France seconde

Year of the Apocalypse

Donald, I am a legal alien, an immigrant, a foreigner, whatever you want to call it, and I live off benefits, but not in your country. Unfortunately for you I was born & raised in America. My parents were also born there, but it's not their fault. They were thrown out of Europe because they were Jewish. I'm sorry, also not your fault. My daughter, who was not born there, is a US citizen. Too fucking bad for you. Don't worry, the French don't like me either. I would just like to share with you a few of the best, greatest things about my country of adoption. It's the best country in Europe, believe me, much fucking better than Holland. They don't even know what the name of their coutry is, Holland, The Netherlands, Flanders, Belgium, who knows? We have some serious shit here in France. Please let me expound. We have the Eiffel fucking tower. I know you love towers. Just look at this big, huge fucking phallic thing:


I'm guessing that those Ukrainian whores thought you were on a state visit, so they wanted to propose their urinary services. They should have come to my house because, well, I like that too. The best thing I can tell you about the Eiffel Tower is that it was built by an Alsatian (not the dog). Guy de Maupassant said that his favorite restaurant was the one on its first floor. He said that he liked it because it was the only place in Paris where he couldn't see the fucking ugly thing. We have other stuff. Let me try to remember, because I am drunk as I write this. It's not illegal in France (yet) for me to be drunk in my own home. Ah, yes, I made a list. War. I know you like war, except for that one time that you got an exemption from Vietnam for bone spurs. What exactly are bone spurs? Nevermind. France has fought a lot of wars, and lost all of them. Which leads me to Napoleon. He also had small hands & so far as I know a very big penis. Well, maybe not. I seem to recall reading some tawdry tale of him fucking Emperess Josephine, and it didn't sound like a lot of fun. Peu importe. Maybe Charles de Gaulle had a big dick. Wine. I can't speak of France without mentioning wine, which is the only reason this sorry-assed country exists. We like wine. It's better, however, that you avoid wine, as I think it might be medically incompatible with whatever drugs you're being fed that enable you to tweet stupid things at three o'clock in the morning. We also have music. It's not very good, but the problem is that it's all made by Jews, Belgians & Armenians. France has just lost its rugby match to England. It serves them right. We invented the fucking game, so we should be allowed to win from time to time. Total losers.